My grief journey

Forgiveness

For the past year, I have been struggling with what it means to forgive. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'. Webster has several definitions one of which is ‘to cease to feel resentment against’. And I’ve always heard the saying ‘to forgive and forget’ at church.

I had a really hard time even thinking of absolving the young woman who hit and killed my Mom. I really wanted her to pay for her decision to drive recklessly, because our family really paid the ultimate price. To me, she walked away with a $174 fine and I lost my future with Mom. And I think I also struggled with how could I forget what happened to my Mom?

I posted a discussion on a grief support web site – what does it mean to forgive. I wanted to see if others had similar experiences and how they dealt with forgiveness. The number and variant of responses amazed me. I got the “if you’re a Christian, then you are supposed to forgive” to “you should never forgive this person for what they did”. I was a little irritated by some, because no one seemed to have a similar experience so how could they give me advice on how to forgive in this particular situation?

But then there were two responses that really made me think. One was from an individual who said they were responsible for someone else’s death and they couldn’t fathom me forgiving this person, because this particular individual could not forgive himself (or herself). The other came from a woman whose entire family was killed by another person in a car accident. She said forgiving for her was a process and not letting the anger control her. She mentioned that when she does think about the accident, she does still get angry but doesn’t dwell on it. She said that since I was even posing the question could mean that I was in the process of forgiving.

Recently I met with the girl that hit and killed my Mom and, as odd as it may sound, I wasn’t prepared for the surge of emotions that came pouring through me. My plan was to confront her, say my piece and hopefully gain closure, maybe even forgiveness. All along I had hoped that this meeting would bring me peace, but as the date of the meeting got closer and closer, my anger grew.

Part of me wanted to enforce the Code of Hammurabi, an eye for an eye, and yet another part of me wanted to be evolved and show compassion and forgiveness. The statement “hurting people, hurt people” was never truer for me as it was at this point in my life. I was hurting and I wanted to know she was hurting too because from all that I knew about this young woman, she seemed to have walked away unscathed with a minor traffic fine.

The day of the meeting was intense. The grief and anger surged through my body like it had at different stages over the past year but all it once. I so wanted to be that person who could walk in and show compassion and offer forgiveness face to face, but I was pissed and the grief was as present as the day I found out.

Towards the end of the meeting, my anger did start to fade, perhaps from exhaustion, but the grief remained strong as ever. I wanted to know why and how this could have happened. But she offered no answers, she wouldn’t even look at me; perhaps she couldn’t. She said very little, but basically did say she was sorry.

At the end of the meeting she finally did look me in the eye and I could see that she was sorry; I could see she was scared. It did take a lot of courage to meet us face to face.

The more time has passed and the more I am able to process the meeting, the less I want her to hurt... the less I want to keep hurting. I’m beginning to feel less anger towards her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry that it happened at all. I still want answers, but am accepting I may never get them. And it still miss my Mom beyond belief and I still cry more than I like to admit.

But I am starting to let go of my anger and I wonder if this means I have forgiven her or at least am in the process of forgiving her and that is offering me a bit of peace… after all as Gandhi says “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”.

I know it's true

I found this on one of the online grief support sites that I visit. It brought me some comfort because I know it's true.

To my dearest family and friends,

Some things I'd like to say. But first of all, to let you know that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night. God gave me a list of things, that He wished for me to do. And foremost on that list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight, God and I are closest to you...in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years, because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry: it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned. But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand. One thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over, I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before. There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb; But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too; That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain; Then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain." And now I am contented...that my life was worthwhile. Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet someone who is sad and feeling low; Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go. When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps, just a half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go...from that body to be free, remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey, Author

Perception

Last week was a rough one. We started solidifying the plans for the facilitated meeting with the woman who hit Mom. Her lawyer came back with the one date which was not convenient for me. As much as I want this whole thing to be over I feel victimized and am the one who has to make compromises. The lawyers just don’t get it… our family is the one who lost and this meeting is to benefit us not to be just a formality of closing the case.

But in the end, I did say I would make it work as did my husband – he wasn’t happy with the date either but we were both afraid if we postpone it any longer she will back out. As I worked through processing this whole situation the anger started to sweep in.

I sat in my office chair trying to focus on writing goals for work. The song “In My Daughter’s Eyes” by Martina McBride came on. It was a song, Mom had played for me years ago telling me it reminded her of our relationship. I remember her playing it for me with her getting emotional and, of course, I would not let myself get emotional. I told her it was nice and I remember her hugging and kissing me on the cheek – just like I do to my daughter now.

Now I was really pissed. I should not have to go through this!!! I was angry at the whole situation, the lawyers, the woman who killed Mom because she doesn't seem to have this affecting her in anyway, but most of all I was really angry at myself for not sharing my feelings with Mom and saying “I love you” more.

I decided to go to yoga later that day, hoping it would settle me down and allow me to focus. It was one of the hottest and muggiest days of the year so far that the studio did not have to heat the room they simply left the windows open. I got there a little early so I could find a space to minimize the number of people around me – by the wall. That time of day is one of the busiest and other people had the same thought in mind it seemed, but I was able to find a space that would allow me a bit of solitude – or so I thought.

As I laid on my mat preparing for yoga, more and more people piled into the room. Ugg, this was going to be a hot, sweaty and gross practice, I thought to myself. Then others started shifting around to make more room and I now had someone’s bare feet – right next to my head. Double UGG!

The yogi instructor came in and we all went into child’s pose. He started the class off by telling us to let go and be present on the mat… normal stuff.  Then he started going on about perception; how we perceive things as either good or bad. He continued by saying we should try not to perceive things as bad but more of a learning opportunity.

I wanted to jump up and shout, “Yeah, well what if someone killed your mom, would you perceive that as bad??!!?” Okay , this was not helping my anger issues… not only did I have someone’s bare feet next to my face, I now had this Kevin Bacon look alike trying to blow sunshine up my ass.

I turned my thoughts inward really focusing on my breath, determined to get through the practice and just get home. As I went from pose to pose, my thoughts were in the moment focusing on my breath, balance and body. I felt the anger beginning to melt away and as we were at the end of the practice and laying in corpse pose, the instructor explained to the group that this was the death of our practice and we were preparing for a new beginning. The anger was gone, but the sadness and the tears took its place. As my eyes moistened, jaw tightened and the lump in my throat started to form, I knew the anger was in some ways masking my grief.

I felt more powerful and in control with my anger. But the tears, after a year, bring back the feeling of being out of control and vulnerable… which I really do not like.

This past year I have had to learn to be vulnerable, let others take care of and help me and to be okay with that. I have learned how to balance my grief with moving on and living my life while honoring the grief of the one I had planned.  I have learned to love more deeply, to feel more compassion for others as true spiritual beings and to appreciate the here and now because tomorrow may not be.

Yes, I have learned a lot over this pass year… but I still perceive losing my Mom as bad.

Fear, Frustration and Faith

The past couple of a weeks have been a little rough in my grief journey. I've just been missing Mom so much lately. And while I have had confirmation after confirmation that Mom's spirit is still around and how happy she is to be with God... the doubt still sneaks into my mind. I'm not sure if it's because I want more proof than I already have or because I can't have what I really want which is to have my Mom back here with me.

Last Thursday, I asked my daughter if she has seen Gramma Cheese lately. Like she always does, she looks up and around but then stated something she hasn't ever said... "no, she went to go see Papa Larry". I don't know if she relates Mom to Larry, as Mom usually came to visit by herself. Lexi would not have seen them together except for her second birthday, well over a year ago. I thought maybe it's the pictures she sees but it has been awhile since I've looked at Mom's pictures with her. I tried to rationalize all kinds of possibilites but in the back of my mind, I so desparately want to believe Lexi still has that special connection with Mom now just as they were starting to develop when Mom was on earth.

Part of me wanted to experience it again myself. Later that day I had an appointment with my chiropractor and then another for acupuncture. My doctor asked how I made it through Mother's Day. "Pretty good" I said as I choked back the tears. I then tried to laugh and joked "Well, much better than last year".

I fear people might think I'm weak or crazy because the tears still come so easily and without warning. I hold them back as best I can. And I remind myself that I am healing even as I feel the ache in my heart. Of course, I am better than I was a year ago. A year ago at this time I was still having a difficult time sleeping and keeping food down. I was still crying every day not just tears but gut wrenching sobs.

So as I prepared for my acupuncture appointment I laid there getting my pulse taken. My acupuncturist said my kidney pulse was getting much stronger and felt healthy again, but my liver and heart were still a little weak. She said it will just take time for them both to heal. As I laid there with the needles in I began to wonder if the heart actually does become damaged during grief. I can certainly feel the pain in my chest.

I began to focus on my breath and did my best to stop the chatter in my mind. Images of Mom began to consume my thoughts. I started thinking of my wedding and how happy Mom was. I pictured every aspect of our wedding video in which I could remember her in. Imagining her laughter and tears of joy filled my mind. I prayed "Mom, if you're here can you please give me physical proof. I need something!!" Nothing...

I began wondering if I was going crazy. I tell my story of all the happenings proving Mom is still around and even how I've begun to work with my angels and spirit guides. And, honestly, if those experiences had not happened to me, I don't know if I would have believed it. In fact, as I write this I feel a bit sheepish - I think of what others may think as I used to raise my eyebrows at people who are doing exactly what I am now.

The images of Mom at my wedding still filled my mind. It was one of my happiest moments and hers as well. As I was getting dressed and ready to leave from my appointment, the music came to my attention and the song which started playing at that moment was "Ava Marie"... the song I walked down the aisle to at my wedding.

It made me stop and wonder was this Mom reassuring me again as she had done over and over?

I went home and cried - cried to the point it made me physically sick. You would think if you cried hard enough the pain on the inside would be released and sometimes it is. But this time, I just felt empty and lost.

I took a couple of deep breaths and wiped my tears, it was time to get back to "reality" as I needed to get on a conference call for work.

I was still frustrated that I did not have the feeling of joy and comfort of having Mom right here with me. I keep wanting more and more proof, I wanted to feel that comfort and joy I did after my first medium session where my Mom and great Aunt Betty came through so definitely.

The next morning I went to yoga. Not sure why as my shoulder had been bothering me quite a bit. As I laid in child position waiting for class to start, I could feel the pain throbbing in my shoulder... there was no way I was going to be able to do half of the positions in class. Then I prayed, somewhat defiantly as a child throwing a tantrum... "Angels, if you are around restore the health to my ... " and before I could even get the thought of "shoulder" in my head the pain vanished - completely. Not even a dull ache and I had one of the best yoga practices ever.

Again, I wondered if it is the power of our minds or were my angels really there. And, once again, had it not happened to me I don't know if I would believe it.

The following week I went to my spiritual development circle. The woman leading the group always places angel cards on the chairs saying that Spirit, God, the angels or whoever guides her and knows who will be sitting where and what message they need to receive. That night mine was Fiona saying "Now that you've asked the angels for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance. You deserve heaven's help."

I'm gonna need a lot of help.

A great start to the day.

Had a fantastic dream about Mom this morning - at least the ending was great. I can only remember bits and pieces from the beginning of the dream. My three brothers were in it and we were putting things away. All of us had specific things to take down and put away. I can't remember exactly what they were, but it seemed to be little mementos - items we had from our past and had all put up.

We were also redecorating and all I remember is the color red - there was a door and we decided to paint it red and just accent other areas in the room with red. Mom was trying to explain why she chose such a bold color. I remember her saying something about the color and then being busy, busy, busy.

But the last part of the dream was the best. Mom and I were looking out a window at her new flower garden. I remember as we were putting things away, I kept noticing little blooms coming up in her garden. As I pulled back the drapes, the entire garden was in full bloom and it was gorgeous.

I remember asking Mom to come and see and I was pointing out all the different flowers. Lots of whites flowers with sprinkles of pink and purple. Then I noticed her rose trees, I told her I had one and asked if it was okay to uncover it now. She said yes and that it would be beautiful. I now have a picture in my mind as to the color scheme I want for our yard this year.

My daughter and hubby woke me up with a tall skim latte, so I didn't get to finish my conversation with Mom. I was still in between my sleep and awake state but felt I could still talk to Mom if I wanted. I tried to recall all the parts of my dream with little success so then I just laid back and thought of being with her - nothing more, nothing less.

All in all it was just a really great way to start my day!

Letting go and letting God

I'm thinking of Mom a lot today and struggling a bit with the fact the one year mark of the accident is less than two weeks away... Today is Good Friday and last year on this holiday was the last time I saw Mom alive. She had come up to watch my daughter, so I could go to work.

I think about all she did for me and my family. She was always there for me - whether I would be calling her up crying, asking for her help or had good news to share. She would listen, empathize, pray, preach... and even cry with me.

Mom wasn't perfect, but she loved us really, really well. I always knew that fact in the back of my mind, but as I tried to process this pain over the past year was when I actually "got it".

I have a story she wrote for me 17 years ago and it was a classical Mom moment. She was always "preaching" to me and most of the time all I heard was "blah, blah, blah". 

But this was a story that touched my heart when she wrote it for me, even though I didn't know why. It was a story she wrote for me when I was going through a break-up, I think, and mending a broken heart. It was a story, I had carried with me every day in my daily planner as a reminder. And it was the story I read at her funeral as it I needed that reminder.

So I wanted to share this story with any one who would like to read it. It is about "Letting go and letting God", one of my Mom's favorite sayings and one that kind of irritated me... being that I am a control freak. I never really understood that saying, but I still carried this story with me - every day, even today. And now that I am painfully aware I cannot control everything, this story means more to me now more than ever.

This story was sent to me May 16, 1993 and written by my Mom, Julie A. Davis.

Dear Laurie,

Here is your story.

"I would give anything for my daughter to be healed. Anything." I cried.

Then Jesus said, "Would you give her to Me?"

I visualized Laurie in my arms and then me handing her over to Jesus - the Great Physician - for healing. He took her in His arms to begin open heart surgery. And I was left in the waiting room to pray.

Within minutes the worrying began to creep in again. I repeated my earnest, aching prayer. I must have had doubts that the Lord heard me the first time (even when I knew better).

Then I saw me in surgery with Jesus. He was working on Laurie's heart.

I was standing by His side. And with tears in my eyes, I was tugging at His arm, pleading, "Please, what can I do to help?"

Jesus said, "There is something you can do. First, let go of My arm. Let Me do My work (Let go of control, Julie). Second, stop crying. Your tears - your pain will never 'heal' Laurie.

But your prayers said in faith, believing that I can do all things, will.

Have faith - that is enough and Laurie will be fine.

I love you, Laurie. Have a wonderful trip.

Mom

I love you too, Mom. Thank you... for everything.

Eleven months ago on an ordinary day

Today marks 11 months since Mom's accident and as I think back to that day, it occurs to me that it was very much like today. It was unseasonably warm and I was bogged down with work... just like today. It was an ordinary day that changed my life, my family's lives, my mom's friends and even those around me forever. My new reality is that I could lose someone so precious in my life in a second. I could lose someone who I love so much because of someone else's actions. And I can't control it and that terrifies me to my core

As I was working from home this afternoon, my husband picked up our daughter from daycare so I could get some additional work done and minimize the time I had to work tonight. I know approximately what time he leaves, how long it takes for him to get to daycare and then back home. I can usually count on them being home at a pretty specific time.

Tonight as it was 5 minutes pass the usual time, I looked out the window and they weren't home yet. Then 10 minutes went by. I told myself that traffic was probably a little slower than usual and went back to my work. Then 15 minutes ticked away and I stood at the kitchen window.

I knew my fear was somewhat irrational, the thought of losing them in a car accident. But I was still becoming short of breath as this was my new reality that I could lose my loved ones at any time, any place because of any one person. It was no longer something that happened to someone else on the news.

I paced around the house even as my insides told me everything would be okay. Once I made my third round between the rooms and back to the kitchen window, I saw the SUV pulling into the driveway.

And while this fear at this moment today was less than last summer, I wonder if this is my new reality.

Last summer, only a couple of months after Mom's accident, my husband was about 45 to 60 minutes later than normal coming home because he and my daughter had stopped at the grocery store. I remember as 15 minutes went by the panic began to set in. Then it was another 15 minutes and I heard sirens close by... my heart started pounding and then the tears. I fought the fear, it couldn't possible happen - again. It wouldn't be fair, but then again, none of this was fair.

I panicked, broke down and called the daycare to find out what time they had left. The teacher who answered said they had left 30 to 45 minutes ago - more than enough time for them to be home by now. I had tried calling Paul on his cell phone but we had made a pack to never answer or use the phone while driving. As the minutes ticked by I felt like I was losing my mind. All I could hear where the sirens as I sobbed to the teacher at the other end of the phone.

Luckily, the teacher understood and was so patient with me. They were the first ones who saw me when I learned of Mom's accident. They held me as I shook, cried and hyperventilated until my husband came to pick us up. Then what seemed like forever of listening to the voice on the other end reassuring me everything would be okay, I finally saw the SUV in the distance. I remember running outside crying and upset that my husband had not called to let me know he was going to be late.

My loving husband apologized, as I grabbed and hugged my daughter, and said he would always call from now on if he planned to stop before coming home. He really had no reason to apologize, to him it was an ordinary day and he remembered we were out of coffee, so it was completely logical to stop at the store. But April 15th of 2009 started as an ordinary day... actually it was beautiful out, blue skies, minimal clouds and even a bit warmer than usual. Just like today.

That ordinary, beautiful spring day sent my life into a tailspin. Months upon months of tears every day, losing almost 20% of my body weight in less than a month along with other physical ailments all due to the decisions of a complete stranger.

And now I was also living with fear, an emotion I thought I had overcome years ago. But the fear was stronger now because I was finally happy with my life, so now I have more to lose. In a split second, on an ordinary day I was shaken to the core of my being - simply because someone, someone I didn't even know, was not paying attention while driving.

I realize I can no longer control all the outcomes of my life no matter how hard I work, how carefully I plan. And the fear that I had as a child of not having control took grip of the woman I told myself I had become - the one who worked hard, went to church, volunteered, donated time and money to those in need and tried to live my life with integrity, the one who was in control. The fear that once drove me to succeed - now paralyzed me.

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel was kind of a way of life for me... things may suck now, but I always knew they would get better. This time I couldn't see that light and I felt empty inside.

Of course, I did try to control the situation. I helped plan the funeral, write the obituary, interview attorneys for the wrongful death suit, studied the criminal aspect of the law, reviewed the accident reconstruction report and met with investigators. I also decided early on that I wanted to be that driving force to help change the laws banning cell phone use while driving to prevent or reduce others from having to go through this same excruciating pain... in honor of Mom. And all while trying to be a wife, mom and work full time.

Eventually, I fell flat on my face.

But once I let myself rest and actually mourn, not only losing Mom, but losing the chance at the life I had planned for myself and for my family, especially my daughter, I was able to start again but with baby steps. I have connected with others who have already started organizations and got Mom's story out there. Her picture recently appeared on the local news in her home town on a story about distracted driving.

I have also grown spiritually, have had my eyes opened to a new world I really didn't know existed and am passionate about learning more and more. My connections with my family are strengthened and I say "I love you" more. My husband and my relationship is deeper and we spend more family time together. I work less and take care of myself more. I try to make every day count.

So is this my light at the end of the tunnel? Not sure, but I know I would trade it all in a heart beat to have her back - even for one last ordinary day.

Sweet whispers

The past couple of weeks I've noticed a different kind of heaviness around me but for the most part I've been able to keep my day to day activities going. It kind of felt like grief, but a lighter version of it... I felt more tired and less motivated, but not a lot of tears. Well, every once in awhile, I would feel the slight burn in my eyes, the tingling in my nose and the tightening of my throat when I began thinking of Mom and missing her but never let myself cry.

This would mostly happen during times that I would normally involve Mom - like when I went shopping for my daughter's new "big girl" bed and bedding. The first thing I thought of was how much I was going to miss seeing Mom's reaction to her little Lexi Lou growing up.

I began to second guess what I bought but really didn't have anyone to bounce ideas off of what to do. It seemed lately that the smallest decisions were becoming problematic for me. And the tasks I normally would have found great joy in doing, like buying Lexi's bedding, now felt more like a chore.

A few weeks ago I began planning Lexi's third birthday party. My thought was to do something really special like rent a room at the Children's Museum and invite all her classmates. I wanted so desperately to do something different than the intimate family parties we had the pass two year with just us, Mom (Gramma Cheese) and Papa Larry. Maybe if I did that I could avoid that empty feeling and heartache of Mom not being here.

When I began to think of all the work and everything else I was dealing with at the time, I scrapped the idea. Besides, I knew this particular milestone of the "first year without Mom" would be particularly difficult. We then thought about having a small party with a few friends. Truth be told, I just didn't want to deal with it. Pretty much how I felt about all the holidays... I just didn't want to deal with or acknowledge any type of celebration because it hurt so much.

Of course, I knew I had to do something, even as much as I didn't want to because after this event it will mark all the firsts without Mom. When I realized this fact driving home from work, it was then I finally let myself cry again. And I've cried off and on all night tonight to the point I'm exhausted... but I have a million things running through my mind of things that need to get done - like wrapping Lexi's presents and whether to give her one tomorrow or wait for her party... the small intimate one we're having with just us and Papa Larry.

So tomorrow is my sweet baby girl's birthday and I will most likely shed more than a few tears. But I will also celebrate because I do feel blessed, her hugs and kisses and sweet little voice saying "I love you, Mama" have helped put back the pieces of my heart. And I pray Mom will stop by to see her beautiful granddaughter make a wish and blow out her candles and then whisper in her ear to remind her how much she loves her.

 

Taming the mind of heartbreak

In years past when something bad happened, in the back of my mind I held on to a "knowing" things had to get better. I would strive to make my life better and to better myself. It was my attempt to control my life and the outcomes. And I always couldn't wait for the new year to start because it always felt like a clean slate. I would chalk up the past year to experience and look for opportunities and adventure in the new year.

But this time, when 2010 came along I resisted. I didn't want 2009 to end. I wanted so desperately to hang on to the last year that my Mom was alive. I would look back at my planning calendar as I switched out the pages. The months of January, February and March brought back memories of Mom. I looked at the dreaded month of April; the date my life changed and I thought why couldn't I have had one more year? Then the realization came over me that no matter what I do, there are some things that I cannot control and that scares the crap out of me.

I began thinking about this last year and mentioned to someone that it feels like I had lost almost a year of my life. I was completely lost, dealing with grief and just trying to make it day to day existing in the beginning. I have had more days filled with tears in 2009 than I had without.

But this someone helped me understand that this wasn't a lost year. I have changed as a person and for the better. I have come to understand and grow deeper in my spirituality. I have stayed true to myself and my beliefs. My thirst for creativity and knowledge has been awakened. And my desire for simple peace is stronger than ever.

I have become more aware of me and what I really want out of my life. And I've also realized I don't give myself enough credit for what I do accomplish.

I was reading one of my magazines tonight and ran across this quote that made me think. "Taming the mind of heartbreak is just like taming a wild animal. First, you just hang around it in order to demonstrate your lack of fear and aggression. Only then will this wild creature begin to trust you, and you can approach it to initiate a relationship." - The Wisdom of a Broken Heart (Free Press) by Susan Piver.

I had to read this quote several times as it touched and confused me at the same time. In the beginning of this journey, I was terrified of the grief and its pain because I honestly never thought I could hurt as much as I did and it felt like it was never going to end. But now I've learned to accept this emotion even appreciate it; it's humbled me, it's what makes me human and abled me to understand what love is - in both accepting and receiving.

Putting the pieces back together

As I'm sure most people are doing this time of year, I'm thinking about the last year and the upcoming year. Obviously, the last year is a memory filled with grief and trying to figure out why which then transformed into what's my purpose. Which then lead to thinking of the ups and downs of my life, specifically the last decade and how short life is and how quickly it can change.

I couldn't wait for the year 2000, 1999 had ended in heart break for me and I was looking forward to a fresh start. I thought 2000 had to be better than 1999. I started a new job in 2000 and began traveling quite a bit. I really enjoyed it at first as I was going to places like New York City, LA, San Fran, etc. I was making good money and I was able to surprise my grandmother, Mommom, with a trip for her 70th birthday. My mom was the only one I told and we planned the surprise together.

I also bought my first house by myself. I was scared and excited at the same time and I remember Mom here helping me and calming my fears. Every month I was working on a room in my house and could see the transformations taking place.

In 2001, we really started planning the trip to Ireland and we were so excited, me, my grandmother and even my Mom. I knew some day I would also plan the same thing for my Mom for one of her milestone birthdays because of all she had done for me. In May, my Grandpa Pettit got sick and passed away. And it June, Mommom and I left on our trip. During our trip I found out my stepmother had breast cancer.

And then, of course, came 9/11 and since I had travelled so much to New York City it profoundly affected me. I remember being in the office and my Mom calling me in a panic. I was away from my cell phone so I didn't get the message right away. It didn't even dawn on me that my family and friends would be worrying. When I got the message, I called her back right away and I remember her breaking down - sobbing uncontrollably. That is when it hit me, there were other people with a true reason for breaking down like that and my Mom's were cries of relief.

As the economy took a turn for the worse, the company I worked for closed it's doors in 2002 which I had been somewhat expecting. I took the opportunity to rest and enjoy the summer. I remember my Mom coming up while she was laid off as well and we went shopping. We laughed that we were not acting like a couple of women laid off. I began working on a legal case for Mommom and we went on to recoup some money she lost due to someone else's negligence. And finally at the end of the year, I landed a new job - just in time.

In 2003, I met Paul; 2004 we got engaged; 2005 we got married; 2006 we were pregnant and in 2007 my daughter was born. Those four years, I remember thinking "finally" my life was starting to head in the right direction. There were minor ups and downs in those years but for the most part I was happy and satisfied with my life. I thought I could handle anything now.

Then in 2008, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly and I remember watching my husband mourn. I had called my Mom after we found out and told her she shouldn't come on the weekend since we needed to attend to planning on going to the funeral. I remember my Mom saying "Aren't your so glad you went to Florida?" and then she said "I'm so glad you and Paul have each other".

Paul and I both focused on turning our life around and focus on us, but then I started getting consumed by work and it was really taking its toll on me both physically and mentally. We discussed me looking for a new job since I just couldn't sustain the pace anymore. Then the economy really went in the tank and we had to consider even being thankful for having a job because we didn't know when or if there would be another one.

Then, of course, early in 2009 my Mom was killed. I feel like I lost an entire year since most of my days after my Mom's accident I simply existed.

So as I head into 2010, I am tending to my shattered heart. It's a very slow and even painful process of putting the pieces back together. I have had to learn to take care of myself since the pain was too much to even try to work through it. I'm learning to balance not only home life and work, but my home life and my life.

I started thinking of everything I wanted to accomplish this year and as I always do the list was huge. So I stopped my list and thought... I will just take one day at a time, spend time and create memories for my family and friends and focus on my health both physical and spiritual. I'll look at the list from time to time and work on a few projects, but for the most part I want to spend time with my family, learning, growing and teaching. Because when I look back on my life I want to remember the people, the love, laughter and even the tears from a life well lived.