My grief journey

A simple, yet beautiful act of kindness

During my leave from work I had a huge list of "to dos" that I wanted to accomplish. I thought if I got to half of them and still relaxed I would be doing good. Well, I got to maybe 2% of my list and it was the bare minimum of things that actually needed to get done. One of those to dos was finally getting the oil changed in our car.

As I pulled up to the dealership, I saw many cars and was grateful I brought a book to read. The mechanic told me it would be about 2 hours. I didn't mind since I had the time and went in, poured myself a cup of coffee and found a place to sit. I pulled out my book and began to read. There was a TV with the news on behind me and a story of a young girl who had been kidnapped and found dead in a landfill. I listened for awhile and my heart was filled with grief for her family. I then listened to the people around me commenting on the story.

The comments were justifiably full of anger, but I put my book down to say a prayer for the family. While I am going through my own heartache and its debiliating affect, I can only imagine this girl's parents, family and friends and the extreme grief they must be experiencing. This should never, ever happen.

I opened my eyes and picked up my book. The woman next to me (one who had made some of the comments) was also reading her own book. After a while, another news story came on and she was chatting with the woman behind us. It was a little difficult for me to concentrate on my book with the chatter. I picked up my cell phone and started looking at pictures of Alexis. I have her voice recorded and listened to that as well. It always makes me smile. The woman next to me noticed and asked to see her pictures. She then brought out pictures of her granddaughter.

The next hour and a half the woman and I shared many different stories about our lives. She started telling me about her granddaughter and how she served in Iraq. Her granddaughter had quite a few mishaps in life, but now seemed to be on the right track and you could tell this woman was very proud of her. We started chit chatting about what was on the news and it came full circle about the little girl. I shared that I had said a prayer for the family to try and shed some light in a world that was full of darkness at times. She agreed that if more people did that things like that it might be a little better. I then shared my story of what happened to Mom and said the only thing I can think of worse than what I have experienced would be to lose my daughter or my husband.

I also mentioned that I was looking into how to turn our tragedy into something good for others and that I had begun by writing a letter about how my Mom's death has affected our lives to a driver's ed class. This letter has circulated to many people who have asked to share it with young people in their lives. I also told her about wanting to help push the bill into a nationwide law banning texting while driving.

She then told me about her brother and shared one of the most tragic yet beautiful stories I have ever heard. Her brother's son (her nephew) was killed in a car accident about 18 years ago. He was about 16 years old and had been racing another car driven by a 35 year old woman, who really should have known better, as this woman pointed out. Basically, it seemed there was a bit of road rage and they were cutting each other off when eventually, the boy's car went off the road and right into a tree. He died instantly... or so they hoped.

This woman told me every single detail of what happened, including the names of the witnesses in the area, where the kids were going and where they had been. I knew why these details were so vivid as they are probably branded into her brain... I know it's one of the things that will never leave me.

Obviously, losing one's child is a tragedy no one should ever, EVER face. But this family, as do many, was able to pull this awful tragedy into something that has touched many other lives. They didn't go on the news, didn't go to Congress to have a new law passed, but instead this father, who lost his son, now reaches out to other fathers who are going through the loss of child.

He watches the news and if he learns of a family who is experiencing a loss of a child, he will attend the wake and bring the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". He will then search out the father and ask for 5 minutes of his time. He explains who he is and his experience and then says, "Everyone will ask how your wife is doing but not you. But I want you to know that I know what you're going through and I'm thinking of you". He will then give the father the book as a gift.

She said he's been hugged by more men then he's probably comfortable with and sometimes he thinks some guys won't let him go. And in meeting this woman and the way she described her family, I could they are hard working and he's probably a man's man.

This was just the story I needed to hear. It was so simple, so pure and almost childlike yet so profound. This man found a way to bring light and love into the darkest hour for complete strangers in his community and has been doing this for the past 18 years.

We talked some more. She told me about her parents, their grocery store business, their life, faith and death. I told her how I wish I would have done more for my Mom and all the things I still wanted to do for her that I will never get a chance to do. We talked about a mother's love and how I didn't truly understand until I had my own daughter... I was feeling bad about not being more appreciative of the gifts and lessons my Mom gave me. She smiled at me and said, "Oh, we mothers know. Even with all your eye rolls and comments, we know you and love you and know you love us."

The hour and a half just flew by and my name was called when the car was finished. She was right in the middle of a story and I asked her to finish... she smiled and said, "everything turned out fine". I thanked her for sharing her time with me and said "tell your brother, he's inspired me". She reached out and grabbed my hand and said, "I will and I think your Mom may have sent for me to talk to you." I told her I didn't doubt it one bit.

That was a good day.

Live your dream

I just finished watching The Sound of Music. It was my Mom's favorite movie and the one she referenced at my first session with Nadine. Mom wants me to think of her like Julie Andrews running on the mountains singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music" and know that she is happy and elated to be with God.

As I watched the opening scene with Julie Andrews and her arms opened wide, singing that song, I wanted to see or feel my Mom's presence. But I felt more grief than comfort. I cried right away. I know my Mom and she is happy to be with God now. And the things she told me through my reading really have not changed all that much than when she was here in physical form.

During my reading, Mom said she would communicate with me through music. Which completely makes sense since she was a singer. Music was one of her great gifts and she loved it. Admittedly, I didn't care for all her songs but in thinking back, I can completely see the joy in her face when she sang. One of the songs Mom told me she wanted me to focus one during my session was Climb Every Mountain.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was about following my dreams... As the Reverend Mother was counseling Marie (Julie Andrews) in the movie, she said "You must live your dream" and then she began to sing that song. Ironically, the book I am reading right now is about following your life's chart or your purpose in life. I cried again during the movie.

Honestly, my life feels like it has been shattered and I don't really know what my dreams are... I just wanted a happy life. Pretty simple really. Some may think it may be my painting, but I haven't really "felt" the motivation to pick up the brush yet. During my last session, Mom and my Aunt Betty said that I should keep (actually start again) painting... but I'm almost fearful of what will happen if I do. I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my paintings and it is difficult for me to finish something because I'm always afraid of screwing it up.

I have several paintings that are started which I'm pretty proud of... but I haven't finished because I might ruin them. As I write this I thought "how can I ruin something that is not completed? It certainly isn't perfect in an unfinished state." Hmmm...

The other message I received from watching the movie (and in reading my current book) is life has many ups and downs. For every down there will be another up and for every up moment, there will inevitably be another down. And this is life. I suppose you cannot appreciate the ups without the downs. And the downs in life have always been life changing for me. Profound, I know :P

During my time off, I have searched for answers by reading, meditating and documenting my dreams... almost to the point that I am exhausted. My dreams have become so active and vivid that at times I feel like I have not rested. I have visited with friends and strangers and received many messages that I needed to hear whether they knew they were delivering them or not.

True to my fashion, I want answers and I want them now. But I am learning that the truth is always there and I am finding it in different ways. And, of course, finding happiness like the old saying goes is a journey not a destination. I do have a choice to be happy and sometimes it is difficult, because missing and grieving my Mom's death is quite natural.

But the best way to honor my Mom is to live the life she prayed for me and my brothers to have and that is one filled with happiness and love. My Mom wasn't perfect, but I know she loved all of us unconditionally. That is a gift I am now appreciating more than ever and hope I can pass on, not only to my daughter, but others.

So with one week left on my leave, I have learned many things. First and foremost, the importance of taking care of myself. I always pushed myself to the next level and many times at the risk of my health.I cannot help others if I am exhausted all the time. And while I am still grieving my Mom's death, I have learned so much from her. I look forward to learning more.

The other message I seemed to have received today (and many times over) is to enjoy the moment. VERY early this morning, my daughter was up. She would reach up to hug and kiss me from her bed and I would rock with her for a bit. She would snuggle in my arms and fall asleep immediately. But as soon as I put her down she was up and wanted to snuggle.

She doesn't do this often and I thought, when she is 16, going on 17, (sorry couldn't resist) she may not want to snuggle like this so I am going to throughly enjoy the moment. Her little hands would reach out and hold mine even while she was sleeping. She would turn and lay her head right by my heart. I was in heaven with every breath I took cuddling with my little girl. She and my husband were an answer to my and Mom's prayers. I feel like they are my dream come true.

I need to keep making the choice to be happy and living my life. If I get stuck in this grief, I will be missing out on my dream of being married and having a family of my own. I'm grateful to be living one of my dreams, but I know there are many more to come.

 

Penguins? Really?

Okay, so yesterday's nap proved to be one of the weirdest dreams yet. I dreamt that Paul and I were on our way back from somewhere and were in his truck. I remembered I needed to get the car, but Paul said I could go back for it later. I wasn't sure how.

We picked up our kids - yes, that is plural. We still had our darling little Lexi and then a little baby boy. I always wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, but we decided we were done.

Paul needed to get to a meeting and so I was on my own with the kids to pick up the car. I was a little upset with him and I thought we could do it together, but he needed to get to his meeting and needed time to find the location.

This is where things get a little fuzzy... I remember calling him on his cell saying I was in the location where his meeting was at. He told me to wait there with the kids and he would be done soon.

Now for the WEIRD part. I was with the kids when this penguin walked in. The kids and I were having lunch and I was eating sushi. For some reason, I felt threatened by the penguin and I threw my sushi towards him and told him he could have it but to just leave us alone. He started coming near me and was talking (I don't remember about what), but I grabbed a large kitchen knife and told him if he didn't back off I would cut off one of his flippers. Yup, I was now threatening a penguin!

So I looked up if penguins meant anything symbolically. There is nothing from a mystical standpoint, but some believe that penguins symbolize both the important bond of family, especially between parent and child, and the belief that the impossible can be overcome.

So why would I find this hostile? If this is symbolic - why would I fight it? Why in the heck did I dream about a penguin?!? I suppose just about anyone may freak out over a talking penguin. And no, we didn't watch Happy Feet or March of the Penguins recently.

Is it working?

I'm into my third week of leave from work. It is going by fast as I had expected; especially when you sleep the entire first week.

The first week I thought this is not working at all. My grief was with me every second of the day. It was so heavy that all I did was sleep. By that Friday, my energy was so low that I couldn't even call my friend to let her know I couldn't meet her for lunch. I emailed and then cried for most of the afternoon. Honestly, I was scared that the leave was causing me more harm than good. I thought maybe my family was right and that keeping busy was a way to not deal with the pain.

Of course, I know that not dealing with the pain does not make it go away. It will come back when you're not ready and most likely at the most inconvenient time. I watched my husband not mourn his father right away and six months later explode at someone for taking our parking space. It was completely out of character for him and when we finally got into the restaurant he broke down. He so missed his dad. And it totally made sense that his mourning process began then... it was football season, the time he and his dad talked almost every weekend to discuss the games.

So is this leave working? I'm not sure... but so far there have been two days that I have not cried. The first Monday, I was basically sleeping all day and when I was awake I was completely numb. Plus I was in physical pain and was more worried about what was going on in my body rather than my mind. Yesterday was another day that I didn't cry. My husband was up with our daughter and I was able to sleep in. When I woke up he had coffee and the Sunday paper ready for me. My daughter greeted me with an energetic hug and kiss. What a way to start a Sunday morning!

As noon time came around and we all went to our new family room in the basement and watched the football game. Our daughter started chanting "Go Pack Go" without any suggestive help from me. I would get up once in awhile to change the laundry, but mostly relaxed. My husband popped a frozen pizza in our pizza oven downstairs and we all munched and continued watching the game. It was a wonderful time!

I looked around our modest family room and thought this is exactly what I have always wanted. It is perfect. It was filled with my husband and daughter and filled with love. My daughter fell asleep on my lap and we converted the sofa to the bed, turned down the TV and just relaxed. I did have thoughts of Mom here and there, mostly wishing she could see our family room and how happy I was. The thoughts turned a little more to peace rather than grief. It felt good to enjoy the time and not feel guilty about it.

So after more than six months since my Mom's accident I have cried every day except for two. Is this progress? I do miss Mom so much and I grieve the fact that she and my daughter will never have that relationship my Mom was so looking forward to having with her. She deserved to be part of her life.

I suppose maybe that is why I am studying more and more about the spirit world. If I can stay connected with Mom this way and teach my daughter, perhaps that relationship will continue to be there but just not in the form I wanted. The message I have been getting for a long time now is about love - not romantic love, but unconditional love. Mom did teach me about loving her children unconditionally, but the one love she really needed was for herself.

This is a bit of a difficult lesson... as our society tends to think if you love yourself then you are selfish or self-centered. But is being self-centered a bad thing? Can you help others more if you are grounded and self-confident? Can I still do all that I want for my family but still take time for myself without "stealing" time away from them? What do I spend my time on and what should I be? These are the questions I have been asking. This month has allowed me to be flexible with my time, to read, to meditate and pray, to rest and sleep and to start listening.

Maybe this time off is helping, but I do feel a little lost. I still fight the feeling that I should be doing something productive. I still make my "to-do" list. It's actually more of a I would like to have done list, but it's not essential so I let it set for now and pray I will get to them some day... soon.

I am getting back to seeing at what I have rather than what I don't have. I'm sure there will be ups and downs to come. But hopefully, I will be more prepared to deal with those ups and especially the downs.

And, no, I did not make it through today without tears. I didn't even bother wiping them from my face and just felt them as they streamed down my cheeks.

 

Memory and scents

I'm sitting here listening to a song that a folk singer friend of Mom and stepdad's while journaling. Had to listen to it a couple of times as the tears set in right away and missed verses along the way. As I've been sitting here, I could swear I can smell Mom. She didn't have a particular perfume, but I can close my eyes and it smells like she is right next to me. I don't want to lose this experience and I feel frozen to the couch.

I have read that this is not an uncommon experience and I know of others who have "scented" their loved ones who have passed. I am starting to believe that I can still "call" my mom. I wish that I could share this gift with others right now who are waiting and wanting to make that connection with Mom.

Heard from a friend the other day and she had shared my medium story with another who had a terrible loss in her life. Apparently, she made an appointment with Nadine (the medium) right away. I pray that I am doing the right thing. I just remember how incredibly happy I was after my first reading with Mom there. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it was my Mom. And I do know that others who have gone have had the same experience.

I guess my biggest fear is sending someone who has experienced a loss and then not having the same experience I did. Partly, because I like to help people and partly, I don't want them to think I'm crazy. Although, one thing I do know... is if anyone knows me really well they know I did not believe in this stuff. The fact that I am diving in with both feet to have a better understanding even blows my mind away. Joining the medium development circle, trying to meditate every day, reading books and talking with others... I just never thought I would be this person.

In talking to my grief counselor, she says my face just lights up when I talk about the spirit world and making a connection. I do feel like my eyes have been open to a whole new world of understanding and peace. Even though I still have tears EVERY day, there is a peace and reassurance knowing that she isn't really gone. Her spirit lives on and just not in the sense of her offspring, but she is still lterally around.

I wish I could hold on to the excitement of learning more about the spirit world and let the grief go... but that damn emotion is hard to shake. It literally does feel like a weight on me when it starts to set in. Sometimes it feels so heavy that I can't physically move and I just want to sleep or crawl into the fetal position and cry until I can't cry anymore. Of course, I never thought I could cry as much as I have over this pass 6 months.

I keep trying to remind myself that this grief is a gift - when you love deeply, you must be prepared to grieve deeply. Some days it feels peaceful to think that way and other days I think it's a load of shit. This is definitely one rollercoaster ride of emotions - I hate it.

Frustration sets in

I'm so tired of crying every day. There is only one day I remember not crying since April 15th which was last Monday... and that was because I slept all day. Plus I was numb and couldn't feel any emotions. It takes so much energy out of me when I start, but it takes even more to try and hold the tears in. And I know when I hold it in the emotional pain takes its toll on me physically.

I try and stay positive... I have a great life, a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a loving family, caring friends, a nice home, a great career. But I don't get to share that with Mom anymore. She was the one I could always tell my accomplishments to without seeming to brag. Whenever my daughter does something incredibly cute, Mom would gush a hundred times more than I would about it.

Mom was my biggest support, my life cheerleader, my confidant and well, my mom. Despite all my flaws and mistakes, she loved me - unconditionally. I didn't really have to hide my flaws from her (she could find them anyway). I was never afraid of losing her love. With my mom, I could be myself.

Mom and I didn't agree on every thing. I remember we would begin to debate and she would finally sigh and say "let's just agree to disagree". But we still talked about once a week. The conversation would always start out the same and I replay it in my mind over and over. She would just ask me enough about how I was doing but I could hear the anticipation in her voice to hear about her sweet little Lexi.

I try and picture Mom here with me as I set in my new spiritual journey. I wish I could hear her squeal in delight when Lexi would give her a kiss or cuddle up with her.

All these beautiful memories lead way to so many tears and it's frustrating. I know without a doubt Mom would not want me hurting like this, but I can't seem to shake the grief. I want to be happy. I want to be a good example for my daughter. I want to laugh again without feeling the slight twinge of guilt and grief. I want to continue my life and continue to make Mom proud of me.

So I keep moving forward, keep living in the moment and let the tears flow freely as they may.

 

Denial - I just don't get it

Well, I had more energy today than yesterday, thank goodness. I was able to get a few things done, but certainly not to the point that I had prior to Mom's accident.

Just finished putting my daughter to bed and was thinking of Mom as I was rubbing tot's back. Thought back to two years ago when she and Larry came for Thanksgiving dinner. I remember being so tired because Alexis was up all night. But Mom was there to keep an eye on her while I slept in.

I keep thinking of the holidays this year... normally, I love the holidays. Can't wait to make the turkey dinner and go Christmas shopping. Mom would usually come up to do some of her shopping with me and we always had a great time. Even when she wasn't here I would still call her on the phone to do some of our shopping together. I just can't imagine not talking to her at all and getting her opinion on stuff.

A simple task like cutting my fingernails can bring back an enormous amount of emotion. My hands looks so much like Mom's. And I can still picture her hands, her face, her smile and it all just doesn't seem real. I can't believe after almost six months, I'm still struggling with the fact that she is gone. I keep thinking this just can't be real and I want to wake up from this nightmare. She didn't deserve this - we didn't deserve this.

I see her in my mind's eye, I feel her presence in my dreams and it's almost like my mind just won't accept the fact that she is gone. But then there is that section of my logically self that reminds me, in fact, she is.

I asked Paul last night, through my sobs, if he remembers feeling the heaviness this long. I knew the answer because I remember him breaking down about 6 months after his dad's death. He said it took him about a year before the grief started to get a lighter. I know he still thinks of his dad and I also know that Mom's death brought back a lot of those memories.

When we were visiting with my Mom's friend, Diane, she mentioned we needed to start thinking about making new traditions and memories for ourselves... trying to keep the old ones was like trying to keep Mom alive. I didn't particularly like that bit of advice since I don't want to completely let Mom go yet.

I want to let go of this pain and anger, but it doesn't feel like it is something I can even control. My brother says he needs to move on, but still mourns in his dreams. I wish that I could do that. My dreams of Mom give me comfort when she visits but the following day follows with a visit from my old friend, Denial.

A few nights ago I had a dream about Mom where she came over to our house and I was in total shock. I told her I thought she was dead and she said "no, I'm not". She was making a necklace and asked how I liked it. She could tell I was still in disbelief and asked me if I thought it looked like her in the coffin. I told her no (I was the one who spoke up and said I wanted a closed casket since it did not look like her). She then said, "well then I'm not dead". I started crying and told her how much I loved her and missed her over the past months and she just said "I'm right here, honey".

So as I continue my journey in trying to understand the spirit world, I wonder - was this Mom visiting me and providing me comforting and letting me know she is not truly gone but just not in the form I have always known her in? Or is it my mind struggling with trying to comprehend her death?

The search for answers continues...

Can't move

I'm so exhausted today and haven't mustered the strength to move off the couch. It's more mental than physical since I know if I just moved it would be fine, but my fear is I would start crying. And I don't want to cry right now. My spirit is just too tired to cry. The great flood was even done in 40 days/nights, but my tears seem endless. I'm beginning to wonder if this is normal.

Well, I was wrong. I did get up and take a shower thinking if I just got moving I could get out and have lunch with a friend. I could feel the tears in my throat and decided I wouldn't be much of a lunch date, so I emailed her and then plopped back on the couch.

My Leave - Week 1

I'm into my first week of my leave from work... I must admit I've been sleeping most of it. I feel a little lost in what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm supposed to "do" something to fast track my healing process. I want to be done with the tears by the end of the month. And while I've done a few things around the house, they are pretty minimal. Truthfully, when I try to do something I just start crying.

Went for a massage on Tuesday. My arms and legs were cramping up and had a lot of pain to the point I couldn't even hold and write with a pen. I slept until 1:45 and then got up to get ready for my massage. It took all my strength to get ready. When the massage therapist started working on my legs - a memory shot through my head - the cramping felt the same as when I was preparing things for Mom's funeral. I remembered preparing the picture boards and my hands and feet would just cramp up. I wasn't drinking or eating much so it really didn't surprise me.

As much as I tried I couldn't stop the tears. It felt wrong to try to heal even though I know this is exactuly what Mom would have wanted. My massage therapist let me finish my tears. He said it was good we were getting the movement in my body and removing the grief. By the next day, my arms and legs felt so much better. I couldn't believe it, but it is not uncommon for me to store stress and anxiety in my body. I just didn't know it could be so dibilitating. I literally could not hold a pen and write without my hands shaking.

Today I went to a garden center to find out how to care for my rose tree in the winter. I had to force myself to get going while the tears just started flowing. I got into my car and just started scream crying until I was exhausted. I drove to the center with the tears still streaming down my face.

The garden specialists basically told me I needed to dig a trench and bury the tree. As I stood at the counter, I fought the tears as she was explaining the steps. Even though we didn't bury Mom, I felt like I was going through the same process. Just then another woman said "and all this work will bring back a beautiful bloom in the spring".

Then I realized life goes on, painful as it may be at the present moment, there is still beauty to come.