Is it working?

I'm into my third week of leave from work. It is going by fast as I had expected; especially when you sleep the entire first week.

The first week I thought this is not working at all. My grief was with me every second of the day. It was so heavy that all I did was sleep. By that Friday, my energy was so low that I couldn't even call my friend to let her know I couldn't meet her for lunch. I emailed and then cried for most of the afternoon. Honestly, I was scared that the leave was causing me more harm than good. I thought maybe my family was right and that keeping busy was a way to not deal with the pain.

Of course, I know that not dealing with the pain does not make it go away. It will come back when you're not ready and most likely at the most inconvenient time. I watched my husband not mourn his father right away and six months later explode at someone for taking our parking space. It was completely out of character for him and when we finally got into the restaurant he broke down. He so missed his dad. And it totally made sense that his mourning process began then... it was football season, the time he and his dad talked almost every weekend to discuss the games.

So is this leave working? I'm not sure... but so far there have been two days that I have not cried. The first Monday, I was basically sleeping all day and when I was awake I was completely numb. Plus I was in physical pain and was more worried about what was going on in my body rather than my mind. Yesterday was another day that I didn't cry. My husband was up with our daughter and I was able to sleep in. When I woke up he had coffee and the Sunday paper ready for me. My daughter greeted me with an energetic hug and kiss. What a way to start a Sunday morning!

As noon time came around and we all went to our new family room in the basement and watched the football game. Our daughter started chanting "Go Pack Go" without any suggestive help from me. I would get up once in awhile to change the laundry, but mostly relaxed. My husband popped a frozen pizza in our pizza oven downstairs and we all munched and continued watching the game. It was a wonderful time!

I looked around our modest family room and thought this is exactly what I have always wanted. It is perfect. It was filled with my husband and daughter and filled with love. My daughter fell asleep on my lap and we converted the sofa to the bed, turned down the TV and just relaxed. I did have thoughts of Mom here and there, mostly wishing she could see our family room and how happy I was. The thoughts turned a little more to peace rather than grief. It felt good to enjoy the time and not feel guilty about it.

So after more than six months since my Mom's accident I have cried every day except for two. Is this progress? I do miss Mom so much and I grieve the fact that she and my daughter will never have that relationship my Mom was so looking forward to having with her. She deserved to be part of her life.

I suppose maybe that is why I am studying more and more about the spirit world. If I can stay connected with Mom this way and teach my daughter, perhaps that relationship will continue to be there but just not in the form I wanted. The message I have been getting for a long time now is about love - not romantic love, but unconditional love. Mom did teach me about loving her children unconditionally, but the one love she really needed was for herself.

This is a bit of a difficult lesson... as our society tends to think if you love yourself then you are selfish or self-centered. But is being self-centered a bad thing? Can you help others more if you are grounded and self-confident? Can I still do all that I want for my family but still take time for myself without "stealing" time away from them? What do I spend my time on and what should I be? These are the questions I have been asking. This month has allowed me to be flexible with my time, to read, to meditate and pray, to rest and sleep and to start listening.

Maybe this time off is helping, but I do feel a little lost. I still fight the feeling that I should be doing something productive. I still make my "to-do" list. It's actually more of a I would like to have done list, but it's not essential so I let it set for now and pray I will get to them some day... soon.

I am getting back to seeing at what I have rather than what I don't have. I'm sure there will be ups and downs to come. But hopefully, I will be more prepared to deal with those ups and especially the downs.

And, no, I did not make it through today without tears. I didn't even bother wiping them from my face and just felt them as they streamed down my cheeks.

 

Comments

[Sophie]

I don't believe you can put a time limit on grief. You will be making progress, in small ways, every day, even if you can't see that now. Simple being able to feel happy and relaxed seems to be to be evidence of this.

I hope that things continue to improve for you.