Live your dream

I just finished watching The Sound of Music. It was my Mom's favorite movie and the one she referenced at my first session with Nadine. Mom wants me to think of her like Julie Andrews running on the mountains singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music" and know that she is happy and elated to be with God.

As I watched the opening scene with Julie Andrews and her arms opened wide, singing that song, I wanted to see or feel my Mom's presence. But I felt more grief than comfort. I cried right away. I know my Mom and she is happy to be with God now. And the things she told me through my reading really have not changed all that much than when she was here in physical form.

During my reading, Mom said she would communicate with me through music. Which completely makes sense since she was a singer. Music was one of her great gifts and she loved it. Admittedly, I didn't care for all her songs but in thinking back, I can completely see the joy in her face when she sang. One of the songs Mom told me she wanted me to focus one during my session was Climb Every Mountain.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was about following my dreams... As the Reverend Mother was counseling Marie (Julie Andrews) in the movie, she said "You must live your dream" and then she began to sing that song. Ironically, the book I am reading right now is about following your life's chart or your purpose in life. I cried again during the movie.

Honestly, my life feels like it has been shattered and I don't really know what my dreams are... I just wanted a happy life. Pretty simple really. Some may think it may be my painting, but I haven't really "felt" the motivation to pick up the brush yet. During my last session, Mom and my Aunt Betty said that I should keep (actually start again) painting... but I'm almost fearful of what will happen if I do. I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my paintings and it is difficult for me to finish something because I'm always afraid of screwing it up.

I have several paintings that are started which I'm pretty proud of... but I haven't finished because I might ruin them. As I write this I thought "how can I ruin something that is not completed? It certainly isn't perfect in an unfinished state." Hmmm...

The other message I received from watching the movie (and in reading my current book) is life has many ups and downs. For every down there will be another up and for every up moment, there will inevitably be another down. And this is life. I suppose you cannot appreciate the ups without the downs. And the downs in life have always been life changing for me. Profound, I know :P

During my time off, I have searched for answers by reading, meditating and documenting my dreams... almost to the point that I am exhausted. My dreams have become so active and vivid that at times I feel like I have not rested. I have visited with friends and strangers and received many messages that I needed to hear whether they knew they were delivering them or not.

True to my fashion, I want answers and I want them now. But I am learning that the truth is always there and I am finding it in different ways. And, of course, finding happiness like the old saying goes is a journey not a destination. I do have a choice to be happy and sometimes it is difficult, because missing and grieving my Mom's death is quite natural.

But the best way to honor my Mom is to live the life she prayed for me and my brothers to have and that is one filled with happiness and love. My Mom wasn't perfect, but I know she loved all of us unconditionally. That is a gift I am now appreciating more than ever and hope I can pass on, not only to my daughter, but others.

So with one week left on my leave, I have learned many things. First and foremost, the importance of taking care of myself. I always pushed myself to the next level and many times at the risk of my health.I cannot help others if I am exhausted all the time. And while I am still grieving my Mom's death, I have learned so much from her. I look forward to learning more.

The other message I seemed to have received today (and many times over) is to enjoy the moment. VERY early this morning, my daughter was up. She would reach up to hug and kiss me from her bed and I would rock with her for a bit. She would snuggle in my arms and fall asleep immediately. But as soon as I put her down she was up and wanted to snuggle.

She doesn't do this often and I thought, when she is 16, going on 17, (sorry couldn't resist) she may not want to snuggle like this so I am going to throughly enjoy the moment. Her little hands would reach out and hold mine even while she was sleeping. She would turn and lay her head right by my heart. I was in heaven with every breath I took cuddling with my little girl. She and my husband were an answer to my and Mom's prayers. I feel like they are my dream come true.

I need to keep making the choice to be happy and living my life. If I get stuck in this grief, I will be missing out on my dream of being married and having a family of my own. I'm grateful to be living one of my dreams, but I know there are many more to come.

 

Comments

[Patty]

They get to be 17 very quickly. Snuggle while you can.
(I'm not commenting much, but I am reading your blog and am very impressed with how you are feeling your way through this time in your life with an open heart. A big hug to you from CA).

[Laurie]

Thanks Patty.