My grief journey

Giving Thanks

I've been trying hard to not think about the holidays, but when it's all around you it's pretty much next to impossible. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm making a turkey dinner just for my little family. I'm so used to the big family get together, but in the past couple of years have just celebrated mostly at home.

Last year, Mom and Larry came up to celebrate with us and it was a lot of fun just hanging out and making dinner for them. Then on Friday we all ventured out to do a little shopping. It was a really nice Thanksgiving.

So as I think about how to create new traditions for the holidays, there is a part of me that wants so desperately to hold on to the past. Mostly the past couple of years, because they were so great. I had so much to be thankful for and everything was finally coming into place for me.

I loved going shopping with Mom for the Christmas gifts and we always compare the "deals" we would find. My husband said he would go with me this year on black Friday (along with our daughter), but I'm starting to wonder if I really even want to go.

Am I trying to hold on to something that will never be again that I'm trying to recreate it? The whole commercialism of the season is starting to get on my nerves. Stuff just doesn't matter to me and the gluttony of having more and more turns my stomach. But at the same time, I love to give and find that perfect gift for someone. Ironic?

I'm not sure what I'll do - my husband, Paul, said he's fine either way. I'm sure he would just like me to make up my mind. He's so patient with me and supportive during this time. I think without him I would have gone crazy during this time in my life.

So rather than focusing on what I don't have. I'm going to take all my energy and give thanks for what I do have. A wonderful supportive and loving husband, a beautiful energetic and healthy daughter, a big and loving family, incredible friends, a simply but warm home, a flexible work schedule, a great work environment with supportive managers and coworkers... all in all these are the things that matter.

And last but not least, thank you Mom for all your love and support. I miss you tremendously, but I'm so thankful you were in my life.

Mixed emotions

My dream last night seemed very real to me and it was about Mom. In my dream I found out that she was not really dead, but had runaway. I had mixed emotions... one of complete joy that she was back, the other was completely pissed off that she had let us go through so much pain over the past months.

My stepfather was the one who found out and told me. My mind couldn't figure out... but then he told me she had looked fine when he saw her in the ditch (he said this in real life too), but when we saw her at the mortuary it didn't even look like her (again, this happened in real life). So the explanation was she was really alive and the body we saw was "fake".

Again, I asked how and why... and I found out she was living with another man. My stepfather was heartbroken. And I was angry with her. But I didn't want to risk being mad at her because I missed her so much. I had no idea how to tell the rest of my family, but I knew I had to.

I actually woke up from this dream because it bothered me so much. She felt so real to me and I really wanted it to be true - even with all the complications it brought.

Usually I can interpret my dreams fairly well, but this one has me baffled. In talking to my husband, he said he has dreams like this too. I asked if he thought it was our loved ones coming back to us in spirit telling us they are not realy gone. His reaction "maybe". He does a lot better than I do in accepting and then letting go. Whereas I question why, what does it all mean, is there life after death and torment myself with every little detail.

I'm just going to let this go and maybe try to figure it out later. It hurts too much to even think of this dream.

Remembering

I was feeling a bit off and very light headed this evening. I decided to relax in the bath and actually lit a candle and turned off the lights... haven't really pampered and relaxed like that in I don't know how long.

As I relaxed I started remembering a very vivid dream I had after Mom's accident and I don't think I ever recorded. I think it came back to me after several conversations I had earlier about how my "time off" was during October.

In my dream, I remember being in a crowd of people. Some were familiar faces and others were not but everyone was busy going about their business. Laughing, working, talking and all at a very fast pace. I couldn't keep up with everyone and honestly, I really didn't want to. In my dream I could feel the heaviness of the grief and as I was watching people going about their business I could feel the emotions building up inside me.

I was trying to explain to people my pain, but everyone kept going. Finally I couldn't keep in any longer and started scream crying "How can you people keep doing things, don't you know what happened?" And with that action, everyone stopped and the next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed. The people around me who I knew where helping take care of me. And that was all I really remember.

It has been difficult trying to describe my time off to people. Especially, when all I can tell them is I slept most of the time. But after telling this story several times today, I realized that my time off was very much like my dream. I really needed that time off. And I'm very thankful, I was able to ask and receive the healing that was needed.

Holding my breathe for Christmas

Alexis wanted to dance this evening and asked to put one of her CDs in the stereo. She picked out her Christmas CD which surprised me a little, because she wanted to dance and this didn't have her "dance" music on it. I helped her get started and began to leave the room when she asked me to stay and dance with her. Try dancing to Silent Night! But we made it work; we held hands and swayed to the music.

As the music played, it hit me how difficult this Christmas really is going to be. Mom and I always shopped together and played the Christmas music in the car as we went from shop to shop. As I listened to the songs the grief came over me and it took my breathe away. A million thoughts ran through my mind... should I start a new tradition? What should that be? Can I even start a new tradition? Should I just shop over the Internet so I don't break down at the mall? How can I honor my mom during our favorite season together?

Alexis then brought me back to the present moment... the CD wasn't cutting it for her dance moves so we put a new one in and sat in the rocking chair together. I held my little girl and my breathe for a minute. I couldn't cry in front of her because I want Christmas to be a happy time for our family. I want to create that same excitement that my mom help create for me.

When we were little and Mom was doing the single parent thing, she would hide our gifts in the trunk of her car and then on Christmas Eve, when we were in bed, she would bring them into the house for Christmas morning. Once she remarried and we moved to Wisconsin things changed on many levels. Money was extremely tight but I really can't remember a Christmas when we didn't have something. Although, my memory of my childhood is fuzzy now.

My grandmother, who I call Mommom, was always big on Christmas. She would save up all year and the living room into the dining room would be packed with gifts. I know Mom wanted to carry on that tradition. She loved to give. She began filling up the tree with gifts for her kids and grandkids. And even in the past couple of years when everyone else was cutting back and my grandmother could no longer afford gifts and mom had quit her job, she and her husband still brought gifts for everyone in the family... fruit and cheese.

It became the one consistent gift and I know everyone enjoyed it. So in some ways she did start her own tradition.

I guess I never thought that far into my future on my own traditions with my family. I thought I would just carry out what I have always known, once my grandmother had passed it down to my mom and then it would be my turn. But it doesn't seem that will be the case. Long ago I had decided on new direction in life. As I think of what I had imagined my life to be and what I actually created for myself are actually very different.

But I think for this Christmas season I just need to remember to breathe and be... there is time to create my traditions for future celebrations.