The past couple of weeks I've noticed a different kind of heaviness around me but for the most part I've been able to keep my day to day activities going. It kind of felt like grief, but a lighter version of it... I felt more tired and less motivated, but not a lot of tears. Well, every once in awhile, I would feel the slight burn in my eyes, the tingling in my nose and the tightening of my throat when I began thinking of Mom and missing her but never let myself cry.
This would mostly happen during times that I would normally involve Mom - like when I went shopping for my daughter's new "big girl" bed and bedding. The first thing I thought of was how much I was going to miss seeing Mom's reaction to her little Lexi Lou growing up.
I began to second guess what I bought but really didn't have anyone to bounce ideas off of what to do. It seemed lately that the smallest decisions were becoming problematic for me. And the tasks I normally would have found great joy in doing, like buying Lexi's bedding, now felt more like a chore.
A few weeks ago I began planning Lexi's third birthday party. My thought was to do something really special like rent a room at the Children's Museum and invite all her classmates. I wanted so desperately to do something different than the intimate family parties we had the pass two year with just us, Mom (Gramma Cheese) and Papa Larry. Maybe if I did that I could avoid that empty feeling and heartache of Mom not being here.
When I began to think of all the work and everything else I was dealing with at the time, I scrapped the idea. Besides, I knew this particular milestone of the "first year without Mom" would be particularly difficult. We then thought about having a small party with a few friends. Truth be told, I just didn't want to deal with it. Pretty much how I felt about all the holidays... I just didn't want to deal with or acknowledge any type of celebration because it hurt so much.
Of course, I knew I had to do something, even as much as I didn't want to because after this event it will mark all the firsts without Mom. When I realized this fact driving home from work, it was then I finally let myself cry again. And I've cried off and on all night tonight to the point I'm exhausted... but I have a million things running through my mind of things that need to get done - like wrapping Lexi's presents and whether to give her one tomorrow or wait for her party... the small intimate one we're having with just us and Papa Larry.
So tomorrow is my sweet baby girl's birthday and I will most likely shed more than a few tears. But I will also celebrate because I do feel blessed, her hugs and kisses and sweet little voice saying "I love you, Mama" have helped put back the pieces of my heart. And I pray Mom will stop by to see her beautiful granddaughter make a wish and blow out her candles and then whisper in her ear to remind her how much she loves her.
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