My grief journey

A great start to the day.

Had a fantastic dream about Mom this morning - at least the ending was great. I can only remember bits and pieces from the beginning of the dream. My three brothers were in it and we were putting things away. All of us had specific things to take down and put away. I can't remember exactly what they were, but it seemed to be little mementos - items we had from our past and had all put up.

We were also redecorating and all I remember is the color red - there was a door and we decided to paint it red and just accent other areas in the room with red. Mom was trying to explain why she chose such a bold color. I remember her saying something about the color and then being busy, busy, busy.

But the last part of the dream was the best. Mom and I were looking out a window at her new flower garden. I remember as we were putting things away, I kept noticing little blooms coming up in her garden. As I pulled back the drapes, the entire garden was in full bloom and it was gorgeous.

I remember asking Mom to come and see and I was pointing out all the different flowers. Lots of whites flowers with sprinkles of pink and purple. Then I noticed her rose trees, I told her I had one and asked if it was okay to uncover it now. She said yes and that it would be beautiful. I now have a picture in my mind as to the color scheme I want for our yard this year.

My daughter and hubby woke me up with a tall skim latte, so I didn't get to finish my conversation with Mom. I was still in between my sleep and awake state but felt I could still talk to Mom if I wanted. I tried to recall all the parts of my dream with little success so then I just laid back and thought of being with her - nothing more, nothing less.

All in all it was just a really great way to start my day!

Letting go and letting God

I'm thinking of Mom a lot today and struggling a bit with the fact the one year mark of the accident is less than two weeks away... Today is Good Friday and last year on this holiday was the last time I saw Mom alive. She had come up to watch my daughter, so I could go to work.

I think about all she did for me and my family. She was always there for me - whether I would be calling her up crying, asking for her help or had good news to share. She would listen, empathize, pray, preach... and even cry with me.

Mom wasn't perfect, but she loved us really, really well. I always knew that fact in the back of my mind, but as I tried to process this pain over the past year was when I actually "got it".

I have a story she wrote for me 17 years ago and it was a classical Mom moment. She was always "preaching" to me and most of the time all I heard was "blah, blah, blah". 

But this was a story that touched my heart when she wrote it for me, even though I didn't know why. It was a story she wrote for me when I was going through a break-up, I think, and mending a broken heart. It was a story, I had carried with me every day in my daily planner as a reminder. And it was the story I read at her funeral as it I needed that reminder.

So I wanted to share this story with any one who would like to read it. It is about "Letting go and letting God", one of my Mom's favorite sayings and one that kind of irritated me... being that I am a control freak. I never really understood that saying, but I still carried this story with me - every day, even today. And now that I am painfully aware I cannot control everything, this story means more to me now more than ever.

This story was sent to me May 16, 1993 and written by my Mom, Julie A. Davis.

Dear Laurie,

Here is your story.

"I would give anything for my daughter to be healed. Anything." I cried.

Then Jesus said, "Would you give her to Me?"

I visualized Laurie in my arms and then me handing her over to Jesus - the Great Physician - for healing. He took her in His arms to begin open heart surgery. And I was left in the waiting room to pray.

Within minutes the worrying began to creep in again. I repeated my earnest, aching prayer. I must have had doubts that the Lord heard me the first time (even when I knew better).

Then I saw me in surgery with Jesus. He was working on Laurie's heart.

I was standing by His side. And with tears in my eyes, I was tugging at His arm, pleading, "Please, what can I do to help?"

Jesus said, "There is something you can do. First, let go of My arm. Let Me do My work (Let go of control, Julie). Second, stop crying. Your tears - your pain will never 'heal' Laurie.

But your prayers said in faith, believing that I can do all things, will.

Have faith - that is enough and Laurie will be fine.

I love you, Laurie. Have a wonderful trip.

Mom

I love you too, Mom. Thank you... for everything.