The past few days have been extremely difficult. I broke down at work on Monday which I haven't done since before my leave of absence. The grief actually dropped in on Sunday as I went out shopping for Christmas gifts. I was looking forward to getting a lot done, but then as I second guessed myself on what to buy, stood by myself in line for an eternity and watched moms and daughters out together shopping I felt empty again.
The tears started rolling down my face as I looked for a keepsake ornament at Macy's for my niece. Then a woman with her two adult daughters began looking at the same area I was and I slowly backed away as they moved their way in... there was no room left for me. I was angry and annoyed at how insensitive they were as they basically pushed me aside. There was a part of me that really wanted to scream at them. But I knew I was only trying to hurt others because I was hurting so much. Plus the energy just seemed to completely leave my body.
I didn't get as much done that day as I had hoped, but that seems to be most of my days since Mom's accident.
Now that I have my good days, the bad days almost seem debilitating and hurt more. Was it because being so down began to feel normal? I remember the day I started feeling good. It was right after my leave and I actually went three days in a row without crying at some point in the day. I felt like I was floating and could walk on air.
People were telling me how great I looked, asking if I had done something different with my hair or lost weight. And the answer was no. I had gotten a haircut but have been basically sporting the same do for most of my life. As for the weight, I had actually gained a little more weight back from the 20 lbs I dropped the first couple weeks after my Mom's death. But I felt good and I knew my Mom would want me to be happy and that made me feel like I was honoring her by living my life to the fullest. I thought to myself this is true beauty - being happy and feeling love.
Then about a week and a half later - BOOM! The grief grabbed me out of no where. I tried desparately to shake it off. It happened while I was in NYC, one of my favorite cities! I tried to tell myself I was just tired, but after a couple a days and when I was back home I knew the grief was back. I was pissed! I thought I was better and I didn't want to go back down to the depths of the grief I had just climbed out of. I felt like I was losing it since I couldn't control my emotions and that really ticked me off.
But then I started climbing back out of it and it was a slow but a steady pace, not like on the way down. So knowing that I got slapped down earlier this week, I also know that I'm slowly climbing back out of the grief and that gives me hope. And I also know there will be more down days and it will be painful, but I'm already thinking about how I can take care and be gentle with myself when that time comes. This last time I tried to buckle down, shove it back and not accept it - that didn't work so well. In fact, I think it prolonged it.
Last night I left myself cry to my husband and he held me. We were in the kitchen and my two year old was in the living room watching TV. She must have heard my sobs because she yelled "You need a hug Mama?" I said sure and she came dashing through the dining room into the kitchen with her arms stretched out. "You ok Mama?" she asked as she squeezed me tight. "Yes, I'm just a little sad, but I'm okay" I replied. "Ok, good" she said on her way back to her program. I honestly have no idea how she heard me two rooms over, but her hugs sure felt good.
When everyone was in bed I took a hot bath... water soothes me. After my Mom's death I would take 2 to 3 showers or bathes a day. So my plan for the next time grief pays me a visit is to rest, get plenty of hugs, pray and meditate and maybe even allow myself a day at the spa. A girl needs all the help she can get.
Recent Comments