My grief journey

True beauty

The past few days have been extremely difficult. I broke down at work on Monday which I haven't done since before my leave of absence. The grief actually dropped in on Sunday as I went out shopping for Christmas gifts. I was looking forward to getting a lot done, but then as I second guessed myself on what to buy, stood by myself in line for an eternity and watched moms and daughters out together shopping I felt empty again.

The tears started rolling down my face as I looked for a keepsake ornament at Macy's for my niece. Then a woman with her two adult daughters began looking at the same area I was and I slowly backed away as they moved their way in... there was no room left for me. I was angry and annoyed at how insensitive they were as they basically pushed me aside. There was a part of me that really wanted to scream at them. But I knew I was only trying to hurt others because I was hurting so much. Plus the energy just seemed to completely leave my body.

I didn't get as much done that day as I had hoped, but that seems to be most of my days since Mom's accident.

Now that I have my good days, the bad days almost seem debilitating and hurt more. Was it because being so down began to feel normal? I remember the day I started feeling good. It was right after my leave and I actually went three days in a row without crying at some point in the day. I felt like I was floating and could walk on air.

People were telling me how great I looked, asking if I had done something different with my hair or lost weight. And the answer was no. I had gotten a haircut but have been basically sporting the same do for most of my life. As for the weight, I had actually gained a little more weight back from the 20 lbs I dropped the first couple weeks after my Mom's death. But I felt good and I knew my Mom would want me to be happy and that made me feel like I was honoring her by living my life to the fullest. I thought to myself this is true beauty - being happy and feeling love.

Then about a week and a half later - BOOM! The grief grabbed me out of no where. I tried desparately to shake it off. It happened while I was in NYC, one of my favorite cities! I tried to tell myself I was just tired, but after a couple a days and when I was back home I knew the grief was back. I was pissed! I thought I was better and I didn't want to go back down to the depths of the grief I had just climbed out of. I felt like I was losing it since I couldn't control my emotions and that really ticked me off.

But then I started climbing back out of it and it was a slow but a steady pace, not like on the way down. So knowing that I got slapped down earlier this week, I also know that I'm slowly climbing back out of the grief and that gives me hope. And I also know there will be more down days and it will be painful, but I'm already thinking about how I can take care and be gentle with myself when that time comes. This last time I tried to buckle down, shove it back and not accept it - that didn't work so well. In fact, I think it prolonged it.

Last night I left myself cry to my husband and he held me. We were in the kitchen and my two year old was in the living room watching TV. She must have heard my sobs because she yelled "You need a hug Mama?" I said sure and she came dashing through the dining room into the kitchen with her arms stretched out. "You ok Mama?" she asked as she squeezed me tight. "Yes, I'm just a little sad, but I'm okay" I replied. "Ok, good" she said on her way back to her program. I honestly have no idea how she heard me two rooms over, but her hugs sure felt good.

When everyone was in bed I took a hot bath... water soothes me. After my Mom's death I would take 2 to 3 showers or bathes a day. So my plan for the next time grief pays me a visit is to rest, get plenty of hugs, pray and meditate and maybe even allow myself a day at the spa. A girl needs all the help she can get.

One day, one step at a time

I have been hearing a lot lately - "How are you doing during the holidays?", "I know this must be a rough time for you" and "I've been thinking of you wondering how you're doing".

Well, to tell the truth it really isn't much rougher than any other day I've had since Mom's accident. Of course, the holidays did hold a special place as it was a time for our favorite pastime together - SHOPPING! Mom and I didn't share a lot in common and even when we went shopping together, we didn't have the same tastes. But it was more of the time she and I got to spend together. And Christmas shopping was the best as we both tried to scope out the perfect gift for each loved one at that perfect bargain price.

But over the past year, Mom and I were starting new memories with everyday activities. And, truth be told, many were with my daughter. Going to the zoo, toy shopping, walks to the park, going to music class, picking out the perfect pumpkin and exploring the apple orchard. And there was so much more I know we both had planned - baking and decorating cookies with Alexis, going to the Children's Theater and Science Museum, playing at the park, watching her school plays... the list could go on and on.

The past seven and a half months has been learning to carry on without her. Each new and old activity creates the same empty ache in my heart. In the beginning, I didn't even want to learn how to live without her... I just wanted her back. And what has seemed like an eternity, I've slowly learned how to enjoy each new day and each new memory I'm creating with my family.

It doesn't mean there still aren't tears... my eyes did burn from all the tears I held back while decorating the tree with my daughter. But there was laughter, as my little two year old placed all her ornaments on two branches at the bottom of the tree. It brought back a funny Christmas memory of my two youngest brothers. I came home from college to find they had put the tree up themselves along with the decorations. The tree had a "special" shape - there were longer branches on top, small in the middle and lower half of the tree as they had randomly stuck the branches in where ever. But the best was the decorations, all in front and only about two thirds of the way up - to the point where they could reach.

And, yes, the holidays are tough as there will be a huge void on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. My Grandma Martin summed up what I was thinking, "I want to be able to get through this season and have it over". Basically, hoping and praying that next year will be better.

But like all the other days since April 15th, I know it takes one day at a time, one step at a time. Some days down right suck to the point I don't want to get out of bed. And I know there will be more tears, but I'm also praying to find some peace and joy during this time Mom loved so much.

Giving Thanks

I've been trying hard to not think about the holidays, but when it's all around you it's pretty much next to impossible. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm making a turkey dinner just for my little family. I'm so used to the big family get together, but in the past couple of years have just celebrated mostly at home.

Last year, Mom and Larry came up to celebrate with us and it was a lot of fun just hanging out and making dinner for them. Then on Friday we all ventured out to do a little shopping. It was a really nice Thanksgiving.

So as I think about how to create new traditions for the holidays, there is a part of me that wants so desperately to hold on to the past. Mostly the past couple of years, because they were so great. I had so much to be thankful for and everything was finally coming into place for me.

I loved going shopping with Mom for the Christmas gifts and we always compare the "deals" we would find. My husband said he would go with me this year on black Friday (along with our daughter), but I'm starting to wonder if I really even want to go.

Am I trying to hold on to something that will never be again that I'm trying to recreate it? The whole commercialism of the season is starting to get on my nerves. Stuff just doesn't matter to me and the gluttony of having more and more turns my stomach. But at the same time, I love to give and find that perfect gift for someone. Ironic?

I'm not sure what I'll do - my husband, Paul, said he's fine either way. I'm sure he would just like me to make up my mind. He's so patient with me and supportive during this time. I think without him I would have gone crazy during this time in my life.

So rather than focusing on what I don't have. I'm going to take all my energy and give thanks for what I do have. A wonderful supportive and loving husband, a beautiful energetic and healthy daughter, a big and loving family, incredible friends, a simply but warm home, a flexible work schedule, a great work environment with supportive managers and coworkers... all in all these are the things that matter.

And last but not least, thank you Mom for all your love and support. I miss you tremendously, but I'm so thankful you were in my life.

Mixed emotions

My dream last night seemed very real to me and it was about Mom. In my dream I found out that she was not really dead, but had runaway. I had mixed emotions... one of complete joy that she was back, the other was completely pissed off that she had let us go through so much pain over the past months.

My stepfather was the one who found out and told me. My mind couldn't figure out... but then he told me she had looked fine when he saw her in the ditch (he said this in real life too), but when we saw her at the mortuary it didn't even look like her (again, this happened in real life). So the explanation was she was really alive and the body we saw was "fake".

Again, I asked how and why... and I found out she was living with another man. My stepfather was heartbroken. And I was angry with her. But I didn't want to risk being mad at her because I missed her so much. I had no idea how to tell the rest of my family, but I knew I had to.

I actually woke up from this dream because it bothered me so much. She felt so real to me and I really wanted it to be true - even with all the complications it brought.

Usually I can interpret my dreams fairly well, but this one has me baffled. In talking to my husband, he said he has dreams like this too. I asked if he thought it was our loved ones coming back to us in spirit telling us they are not realy gone. His reaction "maybe". He does a lot better than I do in accepting and then letting go. Whereas I question why, what does it all mean, is there life after death and torment myself with every little detail.

I'm just going to let this go and maybe try to figure it out later. It hurts too much to even think of this dream.

Remembering

I was feeling a bit off and very light headed this evening. I decided to relax in the bath and actually lit a candle and turned off the lights... haven't really pampered and relaxed like that in I don't know how long.

As I relaxed I started remembering a very vivid dream I had after Mom's accident and I don't think I ever recorded. I think it came back to me after several conversations I had earlier about how my "time off" was during October.

In my dream, I remember being in a crowd of people. Some were familiar faces and others were not but everyone was busy going about their business. Laughing, working, talking and all at a very fast pace. I couldn't keep up with everyone and honestly, I really didn't want to. In my dream I could feel the heaviness of the grief and as I was watching people going about their business I could feel the emotions building up inside me.

I was trying to explain to people my pain, but everyone kept going. Finally I couldn't keep in any longer and started scream crying "How can you people keep doing things, don't you know what happened?" And with that action, everyone stopped and the next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed. The people around me who I knew where helping take care of me. And that was all I really remember.

It has been difficult trying to describe my time off to people. Especially, when all I can tell them is I slept most of the time. But after telling this story several times today, I realized that my time off was very much like my dream. I really needed that time off. And I'm very thankful, I was able to ask and receive the healing that was needed.

Holding my breathe for Christmas

Alexis wanted to dance this evening and asked to put one of her CDs in the stereo. She picked out her Christmas CD which surprised me a little, because she wanted to dance and this didn't have her "dance" music on it. I helped her get started and began to leave the room when she asked me to stay and dance with her. Try dancing to Silent Night! But we made it work; we held hands and swayed to the music.

As the music played, it hit me how difficult this Christmas really is going to be. Mom and I always shopped together and played the Christmas music in the car as we went from shop to shop. As I listened to the songs the grief came over me and it took my breathe away. A million thoughts ran through my mind... should I start a new tradition? What should that be? Can I even start a new tradition? Should I just shop over the Internet so I don't break down at the mall? How can I honor my mom during our favorite season together?

Alexis then brought me back to the present moment... the CD wasn't cutting it for her dance moves so we put a new one in and sat in the rocking chair together. I held my little girl and my breathe for a minute. I couldn't cry in front of her because I want Christmas to be a happy time for our family. I want to create that same excitement that my mom help create for me.

When we were little and Mom was doing the single parent thing, she would hide our gifts in the trunk of her car and then on Christmas Eve, when we were in bed, she would bring them into the house for Christmas morning. Once she remarried and we moved to Wisconsin things changed on many levels. Money was extremely tight but I really can't remember a Christmas when we didn't have something. Although, my memory of my childhood is fuzzy now.

My grandmother, who I call Mommom, was always big on Christmas. She would save up all year and the living room into the dining room would be packed with gifts. I know Mom wanted to carry on that tradition. She loved to give. She began filling up the tree with gifts for her kids and grandkids. And even in the past couple of years when everyone else was cutting back and my grandmother could no longer afford gifts and mom had quit her job, she and her husband still brought gifts for everyone in the family... fruit and cheese.

It became the one consistent gift and I know everyone enjoyed it. So in some ways she did start her own tradition.

I guess I never thought that far into my future on my own traditions with my family. I thought I would just carry out what I have always known, once my grandmother had passed it down to my mom and then it would be my turn. But it doesn't seem that will be the case. Long ago I had decided on new direction in life. As I think of what I had imagined my life to be and what I actually created for myself are actually very different.

But I think for this Christmas season I just need to remember to breathe and be... there is time to create my traditions for future celebrations.

 

A simple, yet beautiful act of kindness

During my leave from work I had a huge list of "to dos" that I wanted to accomplish. I thought if I got to half of them and still relaxed I would be doing good. Well, I got to maybe 2% of my list and it was the bare minimum of things that actually needed to get done. One of those to dos was finally getting the oil changed in our car.

As I pulled up to the dealership, I saw many cars and was grateful I brought a book to read. The mechanic told me it would be about 2 hours. I didn't mind since I had the time and went in, poured myself a cup of coffee and found a place to sit. I pulled out my book and began to read. There was a TV with the news on behind me and a story of a young girl who had been kidnapped and found dead in a landfill. I listened for awhile and my heart was filled with grief for her family. I then listened to the people around me commenting on the story.

The comments were justifiably full of anger, but I put my book down to say a prayer for the family. While I am going through my own heartache and its debiliating affect, I can only imagine this girl's parents, family and friends and the extreme grief they must be experiencing. This should never, ever happen.

I opened my eyes and picked up my book. The woman next to me (one who had made some of the comments) was also reading her own book. After a while, another news story came on and she was chatting with the woman behind us. It was a little difficult for me to concentrate on my book with the chatter. I picked up my cell phone and started looking at pictures of Alexis. I have her voice recorded and listened to that as well. It always makes me smile. The woman next to me noticed and asked to see her pictures. She then brought out pictures of her granddaughter.

The next hour and a half the woman and I shared many different stories about our lives. She started telling me about her granddaughter and how she served in Iraq. Her granddaughter had quite a few mishaps in life, but now seemed to be on the right track and you could tell this woman was very proud of her. We started chit chatting about what was on the news and it came full circle about the little girl. I shared that I had said a prayer for the family to try and shed some light in a world that was full of darkness at times. She agreed that if more people did that things like that it might be a little better. I then shared my story of what happened to Mom and said the only thing I can think of worse than what I have experienced would be to lose my daughter or my husband.

I also mentioned that I was looking into how to turn our tragedy into something good for others and that I had begun by writing a letter about how my Mom's death has affected our lives to a driver's ed class. This letter has circulated to many people who have asked to share it with young people in their lives. I also told her about wanting to help push the bill into a nationwide law banning texting while driving.

She then told me about her brother and shared one of the most tragic yet beautiful stories I have ever heard. Her brother's son (her nephew) was killed in a car accident about 18 years ago. He was about 16 years old and had been racing another car driven by a 35 year old woman, who really should have known better, as this woman pointed out. Basically, it seemed there was a bit of road rage and they were cutting each other off when eventually, the boy's car went off the road and right into a tree. He died instantly... or so they hoped.

This woman told me every single detail of what happened, including the names of the witnesses in the area, where the kids were going and where they had been. I knew why these details were so vivid as they are probably branded into her brain... I know it's one of the things that will never leave me.

Obviously, losing one's child is a tragedy no one should ever, EVER face. But this family, as do many, was able to pull this awful tragedy into something that has touched many other lives. They didn't go on the news, didn't go to Congress to have a new law passed, but instead this father, who lost his son, now reaches out to other fathers who are going through the loss of child.

He watches the news and if he learns of a family who is experiencing a loss of a child, he will attend the wake and bring the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". He will then search out the father and ask for 5 minutes of his time. He explains who he is and his experience and then says, "Everyone will ask how your wife is doing but not you. But I want you to know that I know what you're going through and I'm thinking of you". He will then give the father the book as a gift.

She said he's been hugged by more men then he's probably comfortable with and sometimes he thinks some guys won't let him go. And in meeting this woman and the way she described her family, I could they are hard working and he's probably a man's man.

This was just the story I needed to hear. It was so simple, so pure and almost childlike yet so profound. This man found a way to bring light and love into the darkest hour for complete strangers in his community and has been doing this for the past 18 years.

We talked some more. She told me about her parents, their grocery store business, their life, faith and death. I told her how I wish I would have done more for my Mom and all the things I still wanted to do for her that I will never get a chance to do. We talked about a mother's love and how I didn't truly understand until I had my own daughter... I was feeling bad about not being more appreciative of the gifts and lessons my Mom gave me. She smiled at me and said, "Oh, we mothers know. Even with all your eye rolls and comments, we know you and love you and know you love us."

The hour and a half just flew by and my name was called when the car was finished. She was right in the middle of a story and I asked her to finish... she smiled and said, "everything turned out fine". I thanked her for sharing her time with me and said "tell your brother, he's inspired me". She reached out and grabbed my hand and said, "I will and I think your Mom may have sent for me to talk to you." I told her I didn't doubt it one bit.

That was a good day.

Live your dream

I just finished watching The Sound of Music. It was my Mom's favorite movie and the one she referenced at my first session with Nadine. Mom wants me to think of her like Julie Andrews running on the mountains singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music" and know that she is happy and elated to be with God.

As I watched the opening scene with Julie Andrews and her arms opened wide, singing that song, I wanted to see or feel my Mom's presence. But I felt more grief than comfort. I cried right away. I know my Mom and she is happy to be with God now. And the things she told me through my reading really have not changed all that much than when she was here in physical form.

During my reading, Mom said she would communicate with me through music. Which completely makes sense since she was a singer. Music was one of her great gifts and she loved it. Admittedly, I didn't care for all her songs but in thinking back, I can completely see the joy in her face when she sang. One of the songs Mom told me she wanted me to focus one during my session was Climb Every Mountain.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was about following my dreams... As the Reverend Mother was counseling Marie (Julie Andrews) in the movie, she said "You must live your dream" and then she began to sing that song. Ironically, the book I am reading right now is about following your life's chart or your purpose in life. I cried again during the movie.

Honestly, my life feels like it has been shattered and I don't really know what my dreams are... I just wanted a happy life. Pretty simple really. Some may think it may be my painting, but I haven't really "felt" the motivation to pick up the brush yet. During my last session, Mom and my Aunt Betty said that I should keep (actually start again) painting... but I'm almost fearful of what will happen if I do. I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my paintings and it is difficult for me to finish something because I'm always afraid of screwing it up.

I have several paintings that are started which I'm pretty proud of... but I haven't finished because I might ruin them. As I write this I thought "how can I ruin something that is not completed? It certainly isn't perfect in an unfinished state." Hmmm...

The other message I received from watching the movie (and in reading my current book) is life has many ups and downs. For every down there will be another up and for every up moment, there will inevitably be another down. And this is life. I suppose you cannot appreciate the ups without the downs. And the downs in life have always been life changing for me. Profound, I know :P

During my time off, I have searched for answers by reading, meditating and documenting my dreams... almost to the point that I am exhausted. My dreams have become so active and vivid that at times I feel like I have not rested. I have visited with friends and strangers and received many messages that I needed to hear whether they knew they were delivering them or not.

True to my fashion, I want answers and I want them now. But I am learning that the truth is always there and I am finding it in different ways. And, of course, finding happiness like the old saying goes is a journey not a destination. I do have a choice to be happy and sometimes it is difficult, because missing and grieving my Mom's death is quite natural.

But the best way to honor my Mom is to live the life she prayed for me and my brothers to have and that is one filled with happiness and love. My Mom wasn't perfect, but I know she loved all of us unconditionally. That is a gift I am now appreciating more than ever and hope I can pass on, not only to my daughter, but others.

So with one week left on my leave, I have learned many things. First and foremost, the importance of taking care of myself. I always pushed myself to the next level and many times at the risk of my health.I cannot help others if I am exhausted all the time. And while I am still grieving my Mom's death, I have learned so much from her. I look forward to learning more.

The other message I seemed to have received today (and many times over) is to enjoy the moment. VERY early this morning, my daughter was up. She would reach up to hug and kiss me from her bed and I would rock with her for a bit. She would snuggle in my arms and fall asleep immediately. But as soon as I put her down she was up and wanted to snuggle.

She doesn't do this often and I thought, when she is 16, going on 17, (sorry couldn't resist) she may not want to snuggle like this so I am going to throughly enjoy the moment. Her little hands would reach out and hold mine even while she was sleeping. She would turn and lay her head right by my heart. I was in heaven with every breath I took cuddling with my little girl. She and my husband were an answer to my and Mom's prayers. I feel like they are my dream come true.

I need to keep making the choice to be happy and living my life. If I get stuck in this grief, I will be missing out on my dream of being married and having a family of my own. I'm grateful to be living one of my dreams, but I know there are many more to come.

 

Penguins? Really?

Okay, so yesterday's nap proved to be one of the weirdest dreams yet. I dreamt that Paul and I were on our way back from somewhere and were in his truck. I remembered I needed to get the car, but Paul said I could go back for it later. I wasn't sure how.

We picked up our kids - yes, that is plural. We still had our darling little Lexi and then a little baby boy. I always wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, but we decided we were done.

Paul needed to get to a meeting and so I was on my own with the kids to pick up the car. I was a little upset with him and I thought we could do it together, but he needed to get to his meeting and needed time to find the location.

This is where things get a little fuzzy... I remember calling him on his cell saying I was in the location where his meeting was at. He told me to wait there with the kids and he would be done soon.

Now for the WEIRD part. I was with the kids when this penguin walked in. The kids and I were having lunch and I was eating sushi. For some reason, I felt threatened by the penguin and I threw my sushi towards him and told him he could have it but to just leave us alone. He started coming near me and was talking (I don't remember about what), but I grabbed a large kitchen knife and told him if he didn't back off I would cut off one of his flippers. Yup, I was now threatening a penguin!

So I looked up if penguins meant anything symbolically. There is nothing from a mystical standpoint, but some believe that penguins symbolize both the important bond of family, especially between parent and child, and the belief that the impossible can be overcome.

So why would I find this hostile? If this is symbolic - why would I fight it? Why in the heck did I dream about a penguin?!? I suppose just about anyone may freak out over a talking penguin. And no, we didn't watch Happy Feet or March of the Penguins recently.

Is it working?

I'm into my third week of leave from work. It is going by fast as I had expected; especially when you sleep the entire first week.

The first week I thought this is not working at all. My grief was with me every second of the day. It was so heavy that all I did was sleep. By that Friday, my energy was so low that I couldn't even call my friend to let her know I couldn't meet her for lunch. I emailed and then cried for most of the afternoon. Honestly, I was scared that the leave was causing me more harm than good. I thought maybe my family was right and that keeping busy was a way to not deal with the pain.

Of course, I know that not dealing with the pain does not make it go away. It will come back when you're not ready and most likely at the most inconvenient time. I watched my husband not mourn his father right away and six months later explode at someone for taking our parking space. It was completely out of character for him and when we finally got into the restaurant he broke down. He so missed his dad. And it totally made sense that his mourning process began then... it was football season, the time he and his dad talked almost every weekend to discuss the games.

So is this leave working? I'm not sure... but so far there have been two days that I have not cried. The first Monday, I was basically sleeping all day and when I was awake I was completely numb. Plus I was in physical pain and was more worried about what was going on in my body rather than my mind. Yesterday was another day that I didn't cry. My husband was up with our daughter and I was able to sleep in. When I woke up he had coffee and the Sunday paper ready for me. My daughter greeted me with an energetic hug and kiss. What a way to start a Sunday morning!

As noon time came around and we all went to our new family room in the basement and watched the football game. Our daughter started chanting "Go Pack Go" without any suggestive help from me. I would get up once in awhile to change the laundry, but mostly relaxed. My husband popped a frozen pizza in our pizza oven downstairs and we all munched and continued watching the game. It was a wonderful time!

I looked around our modest family room and thought this is exactly what I have always wanted. It is perfect. It was filled with my husband and daughter and filled with love. My daughter fell asleep on my lap and we converted the sofa to the bed, turned down the TV and just relaxed. I did have thoughts of Mom here and there, mostly wishing she could see our family room and how happy I was. The thoughts turned a little more to peace rather than grief. It felt good to enjoy the time and not feel guilty about it.

So after more than six months since my Mom's accident I have cried every day except for two. Is this progress? I do miss Mom so much and I grieve the fact that she and my daughter will never have that relationship my Mom was so looking forward to having with her. She deserved to be part of her life.

I suppose maybe that is why I am studying more and more about the spirit world. If I can stay connected with Mom this way and teach my daughter, perhaps that relationship will continue to be there but just not in the form I wanted. The message I have been getting for a long time now is about love - not romantic love, but unconditional love. Mom did teach me about loving her children unconditionally, but the one love she really needed was for herself.

This is a bit of a difficult lesson... as our society tends to think if you love yourself then you are selfish or self-centered. But is being self-centered a bad thing? Can you help others more if you are grounded and self-confident? Can I still do all that I want for my family but still take time for myself without "stealing" time away from them? What do I spend my time on and what should I be? These are the questions I have been asking. This month has allowed me to be flexible with my time, to read, to meditate and pray, to rest and sleep and to start listening.

Maybe this time off is helping, but I do feel a little lost. I still fight the feeling that I should be doing something productive. I still make my "to-do" list. It's actually more of a I would like to have done list, but it's not essential so I let it set for now and pray I will get to them some day... soon.

I am getting back to seeing at what I have rather than what I don't have. I'm sure there will be ups and downs to come. But hopefully, I will be more prepared to deal with those ups and especially the downs.

And, no, I did not make it through today without tears. I didn't even bother wiping them from my face and just felt them as they streamed down my cheeks.